3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
