i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
