I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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