I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I cut my penus on the lid.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
