this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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