when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Randomize
