I love watching others lives come down to our level.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
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