4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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