I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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