My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
tonight lets celebrate not being married
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
