Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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