How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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