the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
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