Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
