I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Randomize
