I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
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