I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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