his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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