I like my sex mixed with concussions.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
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the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
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This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
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