But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
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His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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