I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
