I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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