you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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