all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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