just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Randomize
