My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Randomize
