Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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