I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
