i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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