If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
i just made my gag reflex go away.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize
