my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
