My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
