The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
