I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize