I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
