Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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