listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
