My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
