You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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