Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
My vagina is officially offended.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
