3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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