Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
