I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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