The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Randomize
