Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
