Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
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He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
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The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
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