i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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