I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
and she was petting her beer can
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
