I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
