If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Randomize
