Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
