Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
