Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
