I think my fart just growled at me.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
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