He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
